Oh Dear Teeth
by Evil-Ekat
Summary: Dipper, Soos, and Mabel try to find the mayor of Gravity Falls. Only, they don't know who exactly he is. Against Stan's warnings, they find his office, where it's found it has been abandoned for years. Only to release Gravity Fall's absent mayor. Naturally he wants to change things, starting with the Pines... "You're hired!" "You can't hire my sister as a vice-mayor!" "Yes I can."
1. Chapter 1

**You know, I always wondered who the mayor of Gravity Falls was. I just figured it was Pacifica's parents. So why not write a fic about the twins discovering who _really _runs our favourite town?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

It was a usual sweltering hot day in Gravity Falls. One could literally fry an egg on the side walk, as Stan had pointed out, and turned into an attraction. Why someone would pay to see an egg fry on the ground, neither Dipper nor Mabel knew. But according to Stan, if it brought in the green, then it couldn't be all that bad.

It was the afternoon, and thus hottest part of the day. Dipper and Mabel were in the gift shop, the only air-conditioned room in the shack. But just then, the current plain cut out. Instantly the heat surrounded them, causing everyone to stop in their tracks.

"Aww come on!" One tourist complained.

"Let's go kids!" Said another.

The flock of tourists exited the shack, wallets and all.

"What?! No, no!" Stan cried, attempting to chase after the tourists. He stopped as soon as he was outside, where it was impossibly warm.

Panting, the old man staggered back into the shack, and asked;

"Mabel! Did you show them that video of you sticking those gummy worms up your nose again?!"

"No Gunkle Stan, the air conditioning cut out again! And I stopped doing it after I discovered it scared off the boys."

"It only took her several years." Dipper chimed in.

Stan went over and inspected the old rusty box.

"It's not broken, someone cut off the electricity again!"

"Stan, did you fake the taxes again?" Dipper scolded.

"What? I would never! He lied to his great-nephew, "It's probably this stupid faulty wiring!"

"Well why don't you just go complain to town hall then?" Mabel asked.

Stan shifted on his feet a little, wondering what he should tell the twins.

"They won't do anything. Trust me, I've tried. Stay away from there you hear me? Far, far away."

"Ok, we get it. We'll stay away!"

With that, he walked off, muttering something about needing to fake the signatures on his taxes more accurately. The twins looked between each other. Knowing Stan, he had probably faked the taxes. But they couldn't just stay here in the impossible heat.

"Isn't there something we could do?" Mabel asked her brother.

Dipper scratched his head, and replied slowly;

"We could go to the town hall, it's air conditioned at least."

"I'm sold!" Soos said, walking into the shack.

"Me too." Mabel panted, collapsing on the floor.

* * *

The trio walked in the shade of the forest, grateful for the giant trees.

"So, wait. What exactly are we doing?" Soos asked.

"We're going to the town hall so when can persuade the mayor to turn the air conditioning back on."

"But, how are we going to talk with the mayor? I don't even know who he is, I've never seen him before."

"Yea, Mabel how are we going to do that?" Dipper said.

"Simple," The teen beamed, I'm a Congress Woman! So I'll just flaunt my authority." She pulled out the top hat Quientien Trembley had given her.

"Dude, you're a Congress Woman?"

"Yup! I happened to have legalized everything!"

They all paused their conversation as they made it to the towering stone building. It loomed over them, crumbling and silent as always. In all the years they had spent in the town, no one had seen anyone come either in or put of the building. As they walked up the steps, the clock tower struck four. They all shivered as if it were some ominous symbol. Hesitantly, Mabel pushed open the large door.

They stepped inside, blinking in the pleasant darkness. There was not much in the entrance hall, a few matching stone pillars and a portrait of the Northwest family. Mabel stuck her tongue out at the smirking face of Pacifica. Dipper walked up to the front desk and peered around.

"It's completely abandoned, and there's dust everywhere." He observed, running a finger across the stone counter top.

He rang the little bell on the desk, which barely gave a chime.

"Why would they even bother to keep the current on in a place like this?"

"Who cares? I'm not keeling over from heat stroke, and neither are you two." Mabel said, beaming.

Soos, who had wandered off on his own called to the Mystery Twins;

"Hey dudes, come check this out!"

Dipper and Mabel ran over to where Soos's voice had come from.

"Offices this way." Dipper read aloud.

"Score one for Soos!" The man child cheered, high fiving himself.

Walking down the hallway, they saw more and more pictures of the Northwest family, and less lights.

"Could Pacifica's parents be in charge? They did supposedly found the town." Dipper said.

"Well my money's Quientien Trembley, or the rock he probably left in charge."

"I'm going to side with Dipper."

Finally, the came to the end of the hall. There was a large mahogany door at had been carved intricately, with familiar symbols spread through out the purpleish-red wood. Shootings stars, eyes, and triangles blended into a forest scene where strangely, some of the pine trees were almost cartoonish rather than life like. Several llamas were standing on the mountain tops, making Mabel wonder how much coffee the artist had drunk before coming up with the strange design.

She snapped out of her reverie and said;

"Dipper hold onto my sweater."

She pulled her matching tuxedo sweater out of nowhere and slipped with a little difficultly before placing on her Congress Woman's hat.

"Errr, why would you-"

"Well I need to look presentable. Boys, they just don't get it." She said, shaking her head at Soos.

"Dude, I actually don't get it."

"Shutupyesyoudo!"

"Mabel, isn't that sweater a little, tight around the chest?" Dipper asked.

"Well, maybe a little. But out of all the sweaters I forgot to replicate, it was this one."

With that, she knocked on the door. The waited in a tense silence, but nothing happened. Finally, Dipper gave a sigh of disgust.

"Of course no one's here! This whole building's been abandoned!"

"Come on dudes, " Soos said little nervously, "We should probably get going before Stan wonders where we are."

"Nonsense! Dipper where's your president's key?"

Her brother handed her the key, but said;

"Are you sure this was a good idea?"

Mabel batted a hand.

"Of course it is!"

With a dramatic flourish, she twisted the gold key and pushed open the strange door.

"Wow."

"Dude."

"Great, the mayor of the town is a hoarder and obsessed with shiny objects."

Dipper crossed his arms, unimpressed with the office as Mabel and Soos ran around amazed bye room. Like the rest of the building, everythig was covered in a fine silvery veil of dust. The ebony floors creaked beneath their feet as they explored the medium sized room.

Opposite to the door, there was a desk and chair, behind them a giant window, the only source of light in the room. While the room was fairly large, there was not much room to move around. Tables and chaies of varrying designs and ages spread through out the area.

They were all covered in various things; glass paper weights, globes, small mirrors, and countless odds and ends. From little figurines of animals, to wooden replicas of the town. Books, thousands of leather and cloth bound volumes rested on shelves and chairs.

While Mabel and Soos ran from thing to thing, ohhing, ahhing, and making sure Soos didn't touch anything lest he break them, Dipper stood unimpressed, flipping through a few of the books.

_"Why are they all in Latin?"_

The teen was able to make out a few faded words on the creamy paper, via, luna, triangulum, pur... but the majority he could not read. Well if the mayor was a pack rat, at least he had good taste in literature.

"Hey Soos, check this out." Mabel whispered, pointing to something on the absent mayor's desk.

"Dude, there's too much stuff on there for me to know what you're pointing at."

Carefully, the young woman picked up a brass name plate.

"W something, mayor of Gravity Falls." She read, squinting at the name.

"Dude! Do you think that's the current mayor?! What does the rest say?!"

Carefully, Mabel rubbed a sweater sleeve against the brass piece.

"W. Cipher, mayor of-" She did not finish the rest of the words, frozen in horror.

Bill's manical laughter rang through the abandoned room, and the dream-demon chose to make his presence known.

"Dipper, I think the town might need to host a re-election."


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry, forgot to mention this is just a three-shot. Light between my darker stuff, I needed a breather. We get humours, snarky, and touching all in one chapter while I still have the time before I transform back into Evil-Ekat. No! The moon! The moon! *hisses and begins to write for Reality***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

"Oh! Oh Gravity Falls it is good to be back!"

"Bill?! You're the mayor of Gravity Falls?!"

"Yes. I thought we just went over this. You know the whole, rub the lamp summon the genie thing?! Well, it was more like name plate and the mayor of Gravity Falls, but you get what I mean."

Dipper and Mabel started to back away from the dream-demon, Soos standing protectively in front of them. Stan did _not _pay him nearly enough for this.

"B-by chance could you just g-go back to wherever it was you were before?" Mabel stuttered.

'"I've only been here what? Fourty seconds and I'm being told to leave?!"

"How did you even manage to get elected? Dipper asked, more curious than nervous.

"Good old Quentin Trembley and I were... Political rivals- ish." The demon supplied.

"But you're not even-" Dipper froze mid-scentence at the sight before him.

Rather than the demon, a young man floated a few feet above them. He was built fairly skinny, and had dirty-blond hair with sharp features that suggested that he was often scowling or glaring. His eyes were now a light brown, similar to the Pines family's, but they didn't hold any of Mabel's warmth or Stan and Dipper's quiet intelligence. They held a sort of piercing feeling to them at seemed to pin down a person to his place. He was now donned in a black suit, similar to Stan's, but yellow in the places where his were maroon, and had a matching top hat.

"Human?"

"I was going to say sane."

"Oh. Well that's not important. Who needs sanity anyways?"

"The mayor of one of the world's most surreal towns?"

"How sane was Quentin again? Speaking of which, I like the hat by the way Shooting Star, when'd he make you a Congress Woman?"

"A f-few summers ago."

Out of nowhere, he pulled out a clip board and pen, starting to record her answers.

"How old are you again?"

"S-seventeen."

"Are you wiling to wear a skirt?"

"I'm w-wearing one right now."

He glanced down at her before intently scribbling something down on the paper. She didn't know why, but something told her this wasn't a good thing on her part. Dipper and Soos seemed to think so too because they took a few steps back, pushing her farther behind them. But the demon merely floated over them before continuing to ask her questions.

"And your political beliefs?"

"Ummm, legalizing everything?"

"The slogan?"

"I'm legalizing everything?"

"I like that policy, you're above the minor age, and you have nice leg- experience! You have the experience! You're hired!" The demon said, shaking her hand in an over exaggerated fashion.

"Hired?" She squeaked, continuing to shake his hand. Glancing at the clip board, all she saw was a very intense game of tic-tac-toe and the words;_You're Hired._

"Yes hired. As of now you are now my vice-presi- mayor. Vice-mayor, that's a thing right? If not, it is now!"

"B-but I didn't even-"

"Too bad no arguing!"

"You can't just hire my sister for a job she didn't even apply for!" Dipper said, pulling her away from him.

"Yes I can! I'm the mayor of Gravity Falls, and according to this Pine Tree," He waved an official-looking document in front of the teen, "I can."

"I can just quit though." Mabel pointed out.

"Hah! No you can't!" He laughed.

Mabel crossed her arms.

"Why not?"

"Because I said so!"

"Well in that case, I. Quit."

He glared at the trio.

"Oh, did I say because I said so? I meant to say if you don't agree, your family will pay for it."

Mabel felt the colour drain from her face at the meaning of his words.

"I mean, I quit my _other _job at the Mystery Shack!" She amended.

"That's what I thought. Anyways, you two can go make some campaign posters for me-"

"When did we agree to work for you?!"

"That's right, I completely forgot!" He handed the two boys name cards, "You're hired. And you're hired. Your new names are Tyrone and Soos."

"But my name's already Soos." The man-child pointed out.

"No, no, no! You're now Soos with _three _O's.

Tyrone turned to Sooos.

"Should we even bother?"

"Nah."

"Where are the glitter markers?" They asked with a sigh.

Bill handed them a box of markers and said;

"You better do a good job on them." He threatened, "Colour in the spaces too. Or-"

"Else? Kill my family and stuff?" Tyrone finished.

"No, I'll cut off your health benefits."

"Dude, don't risk it." Sooos whispered to him.

"All right, we _won't _colour outside out the lines." Tyrone mocked.

The teen looked at his sister, concerned. He didn't want to leave her here all alone with him. And what was he supposed to tell Stan? His great-uncle had warned him not to come here, and they had. He could already hear the old man yelling at him for leaving Mabel with the potentially dangerous mayor of Gravity Falls. Not to mention there was something about the way he was looking at her that set him on edge.

"Don't worry, I'll take _good _care of her." The blond reassured with an icy smirk. "So get working on my posters. Now."

The two gave a small wave to Mabel before exiting the room. Mabel watched as they closed the door behind them, not wanting to face the demon.

"Well now, we've _finally _gotten rid of those two." He said, flopping onto the chair behind his desk.

She shivered a little, wondering what he meant by that.

"So, first things first-" He snapped his fingers. Mabel's usual sweater and skirt changed into a more businesslike blouse and jacket, with a matching black skirt.

"Hey!" She said, crossing her arms.

"You work for me, you wear the uniform."

"All this yellow and black make me look like a bee!"

"If you want, you can go around in nothing."

"So what are our marketing schemes?" She asked, hastily changing the subject.

"We don't need to market, I'm the only eligible candidate for mayor."

"What? Why?!"

"To run for mayor, you have to be me. And approve of my dress code." He added suggestively.

"So! Let's go talk to your _adoring _public then!" Mabel said, trying to change the subject.

"Well, I suppose we could." He said with a yawn.

He got up and lead her out of the room.

* * *

Standing next to him on the podium, Mabel wondered how in the world the demon was going to persuade the people of Gravity Falls he had the legal power to do anything. A crowd had already amassed, wondering who this so-called mayor of Gravity Falls was. As far as they knew, the town never had a mayor. They had never elected anyone, or seen people inside the old town hall.

The hottest part of the day had now passed, and it was dark out. Several flood lights lit the stage in the middle of the town square. Dipper stood off to one side, humiliated holding up a campaign poster, while Waddles was dressed in a matching suit wandered around the crowd, farther ensuring people would vote for him. She failed to see the logic in how anyone could not vote for him, seeing how he was the only candidate, but that was not important.

"People of Gravity Falls," He began. "I, your wonderful mayor have returned!"

Soos, who was on keyboard played the cheering sound effect, filling the silence. The people in the crowd looked between each other wondering what exactly was going on. Mabel saw Stan push his was through the people and stare up at the two.

"Bill! What are you doing back here you little corn-chip?!" The old man asked.

"I've come back to take my spot in office." The demon calmly replied.

Stan turned to his great-niece.

"Mabel! What are you doing with him? Get down from there!" He squinted at the other two. "Dipper, you too? And Soos, did you steal that key board from the shack?!"

Mabel shrugged sheepishly.

"I can't, he forced me to become the vice-mayor of Gravity Falls."

The old man rolled his eyes and said;

"You see why I told you not to go to town hall?"

"They had air conditioning though!"

"See what you got yourself into? Now call it quits and let's go home."

"This is all really interesting and all," Bilk faked yawned, "but she can't quit."

"Why?!" Stan asked, infuriated.

"Because I said so."

"So?"

"She can't quit."

Pushing up his sleeves, Stan walked up onto the stage.

"That's it I've had enough of your bull-"

"Security!"

Stan expected some buff security guards to chase him off the perimeter, but instead, Waddles walked up to him and began to chew on his pant leg. The crowd gave a small;

"Awww."

But Stan just tried to shove the pig away.

"Hey! You leave that pig alone you monster!" Someone called.

"Yea!" Another chimed in.

"Get 'im!"

This was enough for Stan, who ran off pig and all, screaming;

"Not today!"

Bill faked a laugh and said;

"Well as _riveting _as that was, we have other stuff to go over. I am the mayor of Gravity Falls. Any questions?"

A person in the back of the crowd asked;

"Who are you again?"

"Are you single?" Asked another.

"Are you prepared for the wax man uprising?" Old Man McGucket asked.

"Any _serious _questions?" The demon asked. "No? Well in that case, on with the speech! You may be familiar with the things I've done in the past; Rasing the prices in parking meters, cut backs on days of school during this time of the year, free pizza day-"

"Bill, there isn't any school in the summer though." Dipper pointed out.

"See, my choices have been taking effect already!"

The crowd of people cheered again, drowning out the protests of Dipper alias Tyrone.

"-So in a final act, I want to enforce my latest policy, legalizing everything!"

The group continued to applaud, completely oblivious to the sheer craziness of the idea.

"-And if you vote for me in the next election, I will ensure the whole human race has it's legs sawed off!... And replaced with solid gold ones?"

"Stop promising them anything!" Mabel hissed.

"Why? It's now completely legal to lie about my campaign."

"What if they turn against you?"

He batted a hand and replied;

"Nonsense! That will never happen."

He turned back to the group of citizens and continued with his ridiculous speech, easily fooling and winning over the people.

_"So much for a re-election."_

* * *

The next few mornings, Mabel forced herself to get out of bed and get dressed. Much to her surprise, all her sweaters and skirts had been transformed, or switched (She wasn't quite sure.) with the same black and yellow uniform. She walked to the town hall with Waddles and Stan, ignoring the upset mutterings of her great-uncle

The old man had insisted on accompanying her to the town hall so that way he could give his usual threats to the mayor before heading back to the shack. Waddles only came along because he had been hired as a security guard. All he really did was sleep through the day in one of the corners if the office. So far, the only good things that had come out of Stan's threats was the air conditioning in the shack was now working, and he had seemed to taken his threats about leaving her alone seriously. On occasion, she would catch him giving a strange look out of the corner of her eye, but he had been fairly well behaved.

For the most part, he had her filing endless papers with him, all seeming endless and pointless. Currently, her life was a an ink and paper cut filled nightmare. It didn't help he just sat at the (Still dusty.) desk the whole time, finding some way or the other to still torment her, or rub in the fact he was now mayor of Gravity Falls.

The three walked into the building, and down the hall that lead to his office. Walking into the room, they saw the blond in his usual spot, sitting at the desk with his feet propped on them. Pointing his eight ball tipped cane at Bill, he said;

"If you dare do so much as breath in her direction-"

"I know, I know." He interrupted with his usual smirk, "I wouldn't dream of it. Ha ha! Get it? Dream?! You see, it's funny because-"

"I get it." The old man snarled.

With a huff, Stan let Mabel give him a hug before he strode out of the room. Waddles found a spot on the floor that was not too dusty before flopping down. Mabel did not know why, but she was always expected to sit down and receive her orders for the day, so she did.

"We're not filing today."

_"We're? He hasn't filled anything!"_

"I'm sorry what was that? As I was saying, we're not filing today. My office as you can see?" He gestured to the room with a sweep of the arm, "Is a scary, dusty mess."

"That's an understatement." Mabel snorted.

"And that's a feather duster." He shot back, handing her a duster, "Now get dusting. You tackle one side of the room, and I'll get the other."

"Couldn't you just snap your fingers and be done like that?" She snapped to emphasize her point.

"No, I might break something."

"Well you have no shortage of stuff."

Here she froze, realizing she had pushed his tolerance at little too far. He got up from the desk and strode over to her. He stood as close as he could to her with out touching and growled;

"Get to work."

Started by the close proximity, she stuttered;

"Yes Mr. Mayor sir!"

Quickly, she went to one side of the room and began to frantically dust off several books. Peering at one of the mirrors laying on a desk, Mabel saw him shake his head before walking to the other side of the room. She gave a sigh of relief, raising some of the dust before continuing with her work.

Surprisingly, Mabel found that the dusting was not very bad. She had expected to be sneezing all over the place and getting mouth fulls of the grit. Instead the teen found herself intrigued with all the little odds and ends, each bit clearly containing it's own mysterious history. All in all, she could not really criticize him for keeping so many things, when she herself was the same. How could one not want to keep all these things?

Rings of old-fashioned skeleton keys, most likely with no doors left to yield to them, elegant paper weights made of soft watered glass, a lacquered box containing three identical and ticking pocket watches, a miniature Eiffel Tower made of copper wire, a pyrite compact with a mother of pearl engraving of a rose on top. Wonderful things...

All through this time, Bill recounted different things about certain objects from where he had gotten them to full narratives of events that had taken place around the little relics of time. As he talked his tone ranged from talking to her, to himself, and back to her again. And his thoughts on something changed with it too, there was nothing overly macabre or sinister enveloping any of the things he had stowed away. It was a simple matter of;

"These keys unlocked a flat belonging to a young couple in London."

Or,

"The little seed inside this paper weight is milkweed . I always liked how fluffy and ironically weightless they looked..."

Everything was benign, for the most part that was. On top of one of the bookshelves, there was another paper weight. Or so it seemed. There was something off about it, but lovely all the same. How beautiful that Quuen Ane's Lace in the middle was, a creamy white with the slightest hint of red. It was so beautiful, she couldn't help but want to touch it. But before she could, he slapped away her hand and pocketed the strange artifact.

'Sorry," He apologized, watching has her vision unclouded, "I should have caught that one."

From then on, he stayed close to her lest some other malignant object that had slipped his mind decided to reappear. The blond continued with his stories, rambling on for hours not really caring if she was listening or not. He was pleased to hear his own voice after so long, now that it was not the squeaky, almost pubescent one he possessed sans human body and vocal chords.

After what felt like an eternity, they took a break. Mabel merely flopped down on the ground like Waddles, not really caring if the ground was a mess or not. There was nowhere else to sit anyways. The demon followed suit, laying down next to her.

"Why do you keep so many of these things?" She finally asked, "I'm not criticizing you, I'm just curious."

"Well," He began with a sigh, "They're the only things I own. I mean, sure you can have whatever you imagine in the mind, but it's never truly real. One you leave, it's gone. After all, it only ever happened in the mind. You know, if I were to imagine you dead the first time we met, you'd still be alive, and I'd have more on my plate to deal with. As far as I know, all it would do it traumatize someone because of the near death scare. So, whenever I get the chance to be free in the real world, I find myself irrationally hoarding anything that catches my attention."

"Oh." She said softly.

It had never occurred to her until now how lonely an existence he must have eked out. While the dreamscape was fascinating at a glance and ever changing, how amazing was it when you were trapped in a place where nothing truly happened, and one had to rely on fantasies to keep from there being nothing?

"Are you pitying me?!" He asked suddenly, getting to his feet.

"What? No!" Mabel denied.

"Why I ought to take away your maternity leave privileges for this!"

"Why would I need maternity leave? It's not like I have any one like that in my life."

"Enough questions, back to work!" He snapped.

She stood up and started to dust again and he did so too. Anytime she glanced at one of the mirrors, she saw his reflection glaring at hers with the same look of coldness and something unidentifiable. They contiued to clean for the rest of the day, but not once did he speak again.


End file.
